All My Dreams & All the Lights
by I.will.be.your.Ghostkeeper
Summary: "I own many rare books, ancient, first edition and single copy maps, my violin... the only thing I don't have John, is you" Companion piece to "As Dangerous, Tainted and Flawed as You". Post Reichenbach. Inspired by the song"Without you" by Lana Del Rey.
1. Dear, Dearest, Dearest John

_******Hello weary fanfiction searcher! Here is the companion piece to "As Dangerous, Tainted and Flawed As You." I suggest listening to "Without You" by Lana Del Rey while reading, or just after. I decided to break up the chapters so that the reader could choose to focus on the parts of the song relevant to each chapter. Most contain two lines from the song per chapter. Please note I am not using every single line of the song, which honestly is because I wasn't sure how to work it into the story in a way I was all for. If you have any suggestions I'll eat them up.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock," that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics or music from the song "Without You," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

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**Sherlock's Point of View  
Post "The Reichenbach Fall"**

_-Everything I want I have. Money, Notoriety and Rivieras- _

There is very little that I want for.

I have a home to go to. Indeed... I have several.

I own many rare books, ancient, first edition and single copy maps, my violin, and my extensive wardrobe.

I have powerful and non-powerful connections, several laboratories and medical facilities that I have been given full access to.

I have fame, influence, talent and my mind.

I have people that care for me. And I just overthrew the man we've been hunting for months.

All of these treasured possessions I have left in your care my dear John.

I hope you will keep them safe for me while I am gone. Though it would look better if you were at least to have it sent into storage, but best for my little ploy if everything were to be destroyed.

I am staying in a home off the Mediterranean Sea. I inherited the place after my mother passed away, along with a large sum of money (some of which I have left in my account for you).  
The house is secluded, and the sea is only an hours walk away.

The house itself is not much larger than Baker Street, 3 bedrooms, a small kitchen and a decent dining and common room. I have taken up fishing, since the sea is so close by. The one day I was in my rowboat, just a small vessel really, and simply floated along the cost. As fishing requires a deal of patience, I have also taken up meditation.

All of my food and supplies I require I have delivered to my doorstep. I have not yet gone into the town that is several hours away, it does not seem wise at this point. As is the idea of actually sending you these letters. I will continue writing to you and keep them until I see you next.

The only thing I don't have John, is you.

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**_'Sherlock' Fact: Stephen Thompson, the writer of "Blind Banker" and "_****The Reichenbach Fall," has written several stage plays as well as the 'Doctor Who' episode "The Curse of the Black Spot," an episode of the tv series 'Silk,' two episodes of 'Doctors', and an episode of 'Upstairs Downstairs'. This August is the premier of the musical "The Book of Mirrors: A steampunk musical," that he created with Rob and Lou Wallace. **  


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**__****Review! Review like it will give you full access to the wardrobe room for 'Sherlock' and you can roll around in the clothing Benedict Cumberbatch wears. **


	2. His Web Will Crumble

_**I want to inform everyone that I now have a keyboard! For "As Dangerous, Tainted and Flawed As You," I had been using my onscreen keyboard, which mean one character at a time. That has changed, therefore my updating speed should change too.**_

_**I must thank Onezumi Daisuke for breaking the review virginity of this story! Thank you also to everyone who added to favorites, favorite authored, favorite storied, or alert subscribed! I really appreciate it! And thank you to all 112 visitors! **_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock," that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics or music from the song "Without You," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

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_-Am I glamourous? Tell me, am I glamourous?- _

I read a blog the other day, John...

_These past few weeks have been fairly silent on the topic of Sherlock Holmes. After the false detective took his own life that morning, the papers have run several articles speaking of his death, but none of shed to light that his suicide could be because of what they printed, including this blog you are reading now. We all said things.  
But we brought you the truth, dear readers. As it turns out the truth was too much for Mr. Holmes.  
Mr. Holmes, who worked many cases with Scotland Yard, and was for hire also, spent his life falsly solving crimes, and who knows how many of them he comitted.  
It has been found out that the amature detective hired actor Rich Brook, who is known to do childrens television programmes, to play the part of Jim Moriarty, consulting criminal.  
Mr. Holmes it seems, was obsessed with glamour, and in making himself glamourous... _

I won't bore you with the rest of it. How riduculous is this!

Am I glamourous John?  
Does it feel glamourous to solve crimes and have your life threatened every time you open the garbage bin?

Do you think person who wrote this article has ever faced as much danger as you or I?

Lets look at the definition of GLAMOUROUS, shall we?

From the Oxford Dictionary: Excitingly attractive.

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: Excitingly attractive.

From the Harper-Collins English Dictionary: possesing glamour; alluring and fascinating.

And if you read the rest of the article, its all wrong. He never gets to establish what the point really is.

But it did get me thinking Johm, what are our lives like?

I do not think "Glamourous" is the correct word to use for our lives. If our lives were glamourous, I would not have needed to falsify my own death. I suppose we could look at it in a glamourous light, the man who had to leave his friends to save them, and then you, the man who had to carry on bravely without his bestfriend.

So often I am here working on a way to come back to you. Wondering how long I will have to wait before I can come back, will it be a week, a month, a year? How long until all of Jim Moriarty's thugs and hitmen are cut off from their pay? He is dead, at some point his accounts will run dry. How long is he able to pay them for? But he broke into the tower of London, he could very well break into the banks and have an endless suply of money. If that is the case, how do I find and demobalize the operations he has going. One thing is certain John, before I return, every single piece of Moriarty's operation needs to be obliterated, every person needs to be taken out or locked away, every program needs to be shut down, every piece of paper he touched needs to be burned.

His web will fall one day John, that I swear to you.

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_**Sherlock Fact: David Arnold, one of the composers on 'Sherlock' has worked on many of the James Bond films. While Michael Price, the other composer, worked on the Lord of the Rings doing music editing for all three films, as well as worked extensively on 'Band of Brothers'.**_

_Is there a Sherlock Fact you want to know about? I take requests!  
_

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**_Review! Review as though Sherlock and John are going to burst into your home late one afternoon, insisting that you are the one who is going to join them as their actual assistant. Assistant meaning whatever you want it to! _**


	3. Do the Impossible

_**Thanks for reading my lovers! **_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock," that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics or music from the song "Without You," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

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_-I could be your China doll, if you want to see me fall-_

I thought about this John, please know I thought about it. A part of me wants you to believe I am dead. I know you don't think I am. I remember you're words at my grave.

My empty grave.

I am so, so very sorry John.

I could have been stronger, made my affections for you less apparent, my kindness towards Mrs. Hudson and my small dependence on Lestrade nonexistent. But I wasn't John. I was weak, fragile, I wanted to be a better human being, a better person when I was around you. You made me happy. How could I not want to be better?

I wanted to understand what these feelings and emotions were like for you to feel. How does John Watson experience emotion?

I was fragile for you John, and I fell because of it.

I could have been your china doll John, but only if you would not have have caught me, if you would have put me back together, than make me beautiful and whole again once I fell.

But you wouldn't have even let me fall, John.

I thought that if I relapsed into drug use, became dependent on narcotics once more and sent my mind into ruin, sent my body into ruin, than Moriarty would stop, he'd have defeated me. But you wouldn't let that happen John, if I had came to you and proposed we pump my body full of drugs and destroy me, you would have said no. You wouldn't have stood for it.

If I had went ahead and just did it, got back on the cocaine and the heroin, dosed myself up so high on morphine stolen from St. Barts that I couldn't remember how to get out of my mind palace... You would have stopped me.

You would have saved me John.

It would never have worked. You would have put me back together, you would have made me beautiful and whole. You already do John. You make me whole. You make me see beauty. Don't confiuse this with me saying you only show me beauty where before I saw darkness. Because I also see darkness where I once saw beauty.

You remind what average human interaction is like John, the trouble with your sister, your near impossible dating life, and the funny way that you always feel the need to be polite to everyone unless they actually piss you off. I don't bother being as overly polite as you do to the mailman, or as kind as you are to the cab driver, nor as helpful as you are towards the check out girl at the grocers.

That's too much to ask of you John.

So instead I am asking you to do the impossible.

Forgive me...

Forget me.

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_**Sherlock has been fraught with more danger than Moriarty could dream up – Martin Freeman did his wrist in slipping on ice after three days on set, Benedict Cumberbatch contacted pneumonia halfway though filming and then hurt his knee during a stunt scene **_

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_**Review! If you do, us here in Ericat15's mind promise to bring you a story involving soup, Sherlock, John, and stolen children's pink bicycles. XOXOX**_


	4. If Only They Knew What I Am Missing

___**So sorry for the delay my dears, I was asked to consult on pre-production concept for a clothing line and asked to edit two large projects in the past few days. I've also been concentrating on really getting my blog going. I talk about writing stuff on there a lot, if you're interested the link and more information is in my profile section. **_

___**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock," that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics or music from the song "Without You," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

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_-Boy You're So Dope-_

John, you are the best high I have ever gotten, well... The best non-narcotic high I have ever gotten. If you were a drug I would inject you and shoot you into my bloodstream all day. I would overdose.

You are intelligent, at least more so than most of the idiots I deal with on a daily basis. You have skills that you use daily and skills that need work. But you're a useful John, you're useful and good.

Chose to be a doctor, John. That tells me a lot. You have the mindset of someone who is not afraid of making long-term commitments and you care for people, or at least their health and if they live. You are knowledgable about how the human body works, and the processes of the mind when confronted with death.

You know more about how a gun functions than I do. You must have gained most of that knowledge from the military. Your father frequently hunted so you also would have picked some information up from him.

Medical school requires some know-how about chemistry. Though you didn't excel in those classes you have an intermediate understanding of the subject.

With all of this, you also have an understanding of human nature and motivations beyond the logical. Beyond that of a philosopher or someone who studies human behaviour.

All of these qualities you have John, are not only invaluable to me but that are what... They make you... You are...

Your loyalty has been commented on, often accompanied by surprise. Those making the comments aren't surprised that you are a loyal person, what they are surprised about is that you are loyal to me.  
An entirely foolish thing to be surprised about because if they stopped to actually use their brains, they would remember that you are a** loyal** person and that you are loyal to those who you think are worthy of or have earned that allegiance.

_-Your Love is Deadly-_

Don't ever love me John. Do not ever love _me_. It would kill me if you did. I couldn't stand to be loved as much as I-as much I need to- Not only that but it would turn the both of us into murderers, we would kill for each other. I find myself laughing John, oh that is funny.

We already have killed for each other.

_-Tell me life is beautiful-_

I've been gone for a while now John, and I find myself missing London, missing England.

Tell me this is all worth it John, is it worth it to bring down all of Moriarty's web before I return? Is it really required, or am I just thinking it is? Is there still any real threat, or am I just jumping at shadows?

Tell me, show me the beauty, John! Sometimes all I can see is darkness. And sometimes I don't want to see anything else. I don't mind the darkness, I don't let the darkness get to me most of the days... Most days it doesn't get to be too much, most days I can focus on my work, on my experiments. I can't take cases and I have to constantly remind myself that to take a case now would be a fatal move.

The days that aren't most days?

I think about tearing down and ripping apart Moriarty's whole operation without planning or thinking, just charging right in. If I can't take them out, it's better than sitting here doing nothing, its better than wasting my time and being next to useless. Always in the back of my mind will be the thought that no, I'm supposed to wait, I'm supposed to be patient and take the web down bit by bit, make sure the whole piece is completely destroyed before moving onto the next.

I want to ignore those thoughts.

I haven't yet.

_-They think that I have it all-_

It's hilarious John, the people that do come here to deliver my things think I have everything. They think I have all I could need and more, that I am the happiest man in the country to while away the hours fishing and doing experiments or to sit reading philosophy in the sunshine and to sleep on silken sheets.

If only they knew what I am missing.

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_**Sherlock Fact: If you want to own John and Sherlock's tea set that is seen in The Reichenbach Fall, go to .  
You will have to wait four weeks for it to be back in stock, but the whole tea set (two cups, two saucers and two plates plates, one teapot) is fairly priced, or you can buy individual pieces.**_

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_**Review! Review Like you will be invited to guest write for the next series! **_


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